When Will He Commit?

Why he won't commit can be quite complicated and deserves a much more comprehensive explanation than a simple article can provide. First there is the definition of commitment. Whether it's that he won't commit to getting married, or he won't commit to being monogamous with you, most women mean they want their man to raise his level of commitment to her. Why he hasn't done so usually comes down to one of two things: he's either too comfortable with you or not comfortable enough.

Let's begin by understanding there is an instinct in people to group together and bond, but there is also an instinct to avoid perceived danger and survive. If these two instincts are not aligned, you will experience a commitment problem. If you are trying to increase the commitment level in your man, take care to not push to the point of being predatory. Pressuring, emotionally cornering, or threatening may cause him to want to get further away from you rather than closer to you. Let's start with evaluating his level of commitment and go from there.

1. What is his current level of commitment? If you're seeing each other, I am guessing you have at least some level of commitment. Does he call when he says he'll call and show up when he says he'll show up?  If he does, you do have at least some level of commitment. Commitment is a daily occurrence not a one shot deal. Marriage has it's place but unfortunately, one ceremonial day is not a magic bullet and does not guarantee that he'll suddenly be committed to you in the ways that you want if he's not already. Start by noticing the ways in which he is already showing his commitment to you. Is he monogamous with you? Is he emotionally intimate with only you? If he's not, he is WAY TOO comfortable. We'll get to that in a moment.

2. Is he too comfortable? If he's too comfortable, he'll take you for granted and your problem is that you are allowing him to do so. We've all heard the saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" It's not that you're a cow and it's not about sex either... it's about having standards. Something clicks in a man when you have standards for him to meet. It's your job as the woman to set them. If you don't have any, why should your man not take you for granted? Not having standards is you taking yourself for granted. We'll cover what to do about that in a moment.

3. Is he not comfortable enough? Instead of being too comfortable, it could very well be that your man is not comfortable enough. Some men hear the word 'commit' and to them that means submit. He needs to feel sure that you'll really love him, not leave him, not overly control him, and not break his heart. Statistics show that men are less secure than women think they are. Men have feelings, too and depending on their earlier experiences, they may have difficulty trusting that their level of commitment will be returned. He may get anxious at the idea of committing further or try to avoid attachments altogether. These are signs of a confidence issue. He needs to feel comfortable, confident, and certain before signing up for more.

So, what do you do if he's too comfortable, and what do you do if he's not comfortable enough? Instead of trying to catch him, how can you "attract" him? What can you change about your own behavior to cause your man to want to commit further to you? The answer lies in using the tools of Approach and Retreat.

What's approach and retreat?  The tools of Approach and Retreat are not about staying and not about going. They are about creating proximity and distance in varying degrees. Do not stay put and do not leave. Do not pretend you're breaking up with him or try to intimidate him with a fake ultimatum. Get closer, closer, closer... then get further away and stay there and notice what he does. Does he call you? Does he ask what you've been doing? Just notice. You want him to be curious and just a little inquisitive. You get to be interesting and intriguing and mysterious because you're not constantly there.

Approach: Approach does not mean chase. Do not chase or pressure him, just approach him. When you do, be friendly. Whether he is too comfortable or not comfortable enough, you want him to enjoy having you near him. Don't bring up topics that make him uncomfortable. Don't punish him. Just visit with him. Be sweet to him, compliment him, have fun with him, and be affectionate. And, while he still wants more of you...leave him wanting more...and....

Retreat: Get busy, spend time with friends, go away, and leave him alone. Wait to see if he gets curious about what you're doing. When you move away, you remove the pressure on him. You allow him the space to move toward you. Let him wonder. Give him the chance to miss you. Wait for him to approach you. At first it might take several days. If he's not serious about you, it's better to find out sooner rather than later. If he is serious about you, he'll come around.

Approach a little, retreat some more. Retreat a little, approach some more. Repeat the pattern until you find the sweet spot. Approach keeps you connected in a positive way so he feels good about you and doesn't think you've rejected him. Retreat creates confidence because you're not pressuring anymore to marry me, spend time with me, entertain me, and please me. Retreat creates curiosity, draw, intrigue, and attraction. Where did she go? What is she doing?  Who is she with? How can I get her back here with me? Over time his conditioning and associations to you will change and so will his running-away behavior. While women are motivated by the fear of pain, men are motivated by the fear of loss. You don't need to threaten to leave him, just leave a little while and be lost to him for the moment. Wait for him to get curious and come find you. If your his girlfriend, his property, or his woman, something inside him will make him want to claim you as his own.

Approach and Retreat doesn't mean be bitchy, stand-offish, or aloof. It does mean go with the flow of natural instincts and be smart. Instead of you trying to catch him, watch his level of commitment rise, as all of the sudden... he's catching you.




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